this is real, this is me.

.
sighs

as usual,in true blue xuan tradition,she stumbles again
yes. iregretandihatemyselffornottellingyoutheunpsokenwordsinme.
perhapsthingswldn'tturnoutthewayitisnowifidid.blamemyselfthen.

"i don't have many ways to tame the boring
but if you'd like to stay i'll tell you all i know"
Still the brightest, to me.

so much for a renewal. its not alright to fall and break down just when you're
about to take your first step out. maybe i shld just stick back to the old world. THE AUTISTIC WORLD.
on an unexpected note, i actually cancel the outing with him and the others as well.
i'm sorry guys, i'm still down with the sickness and i'm really not in the mood for any outing.
sorry. =( i needa get over the overwhelming sense of sadness.
guess i'm the silliest person in the world. whats the point of this sudden conclusion i've made now. its useless.
everything has ended. the only thing i can do nw is may you be happier in future.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

11:27 AM

.

it hurts
and its killing me
cause
i know i'll be the one to tear you apart.

=((

did i do the wrong thing? i don't know.
even if it is, there's nth much i can do.
afterall, i can't turn time back.
so long as he happier than before, that will do.

The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are.
But on how happy others can be because of you.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

6:15 PM

saturday was well spent with jy and we did things that

both of us havent done together in such a long time.
really normal things like shopping, lunch and dinner,

and we had soo much fun.

yesterday's aimless wondering about led me to a

totally random and unplanned shopping trip

filled with spontaneous buys.

i must say this is the first ever christmas season shopping

spree that i bought soo much stuffs in just a day.

but but, i really enjoy myself partly because of jy.

we had dinner at billy bombers and had difficulty

trying to finish up the food despite the fact that

we actually share the food.

so that just goes to show how big the

food portion is for a girl. hahahs.

regardless of that, the food was pretty nice

and i guess wei wei will love it.

shall bring her there the next time.

on a happier note, i'm going out with dylan this weekend again

jy bought a magnetic forever friend bookmark for me

and i received a christmas ecard from jocelyn. *so sweet.

on a whole, yesterday was such a double delightful day. =))

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

11:08 AM

i feel so 'cheated' today because of the chocolate
and the chicken noddle i had.
i promise i won't patronise the food court in vivo again.

on another note, i'm having sore throat again.
who else can i blame other than myself
for not taking good care of myself. =x

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

its getting real late
and sleeping late is unhealthy.
alright i should be good and sleep now
nights.
*ZZzzzzz...

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

2:18 AM

i just cried over a truly touching story 'I believe you',

which my friend introduce to me.
i almost gave up the idea of reading through
when i saw the story's length.
it took me almost an hour to finish
reading through the story
and my nose is kinda blocked now.

though its long, but it's definitely worth reading.
below is a small extract from the long story about
the girl's very old, feeble and lonely grandma..
( http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyou.htm )

“Your grandfather and I met when I was working at restaurant as a dish-washer. He was the cook of the restaurant. When we saw each other, we knew it was love at first sight.

“He kept staring at me while he was cooking and I could not concentrate on my washing. I stole quick glances of him, amazed by his awesome cooking skills and his good looks. By the fifth day of my work, he asked me out. I did not reject. And so we went to a park and chatted about almost everything under the sun.”

I tried to recollect memories of my grandfather. It was then that I realized I had never seen him before: He died before I was born. However, in my mind now, I was painting a picture of him: A young and handsome man who knew how to turn an uncooked egg into an omelette.

“We went on a few more dates. Unknowingly, we started holding hands. And as we continued dating, our love for each other grew so much that a day apart was intolerable.

“Whenever I woke up, I would wonder what he was doing. Whenever I walked to work, I would wonder if he was doing the same thing. If there were handphones during my time, I would have called him every single minute.

“Then one day, he brought me to a forest. Although I declined, he insisted. So we went into the dark forest, carrying only lighted candles. Suddenly, he disappeared. I panicked and nearly fainted, but he suddenly reappeared with a ring on his hand. He kneeled before me and proposed to me.”

I wiped off the remnants of my tears and tried to smile. Although I failed, my grandmother sensed my attempt and patted me on my shoulder.

“How could I have rejected? How could I have rejected such an offer? I cried on the spot, and within ten days, we were officially husband and wife.”

I realized that everyone had a story to tell: The auntie selling fish soup may have the most romantic love story; my old and stubborn Literature lecturer Mrs Goh may have the most tragic story to tell. Yet I always pondered on the poignancy of my own story, as if my story superseded all of theirs.

“Our relationship was as strong as a rock during our first few years of marriage. But everything soon changed. We began to drift apart. We seldom talked. There was just no reason for this rift.”

“You didn’t love him anymore?” I asked, curious.

My grandmother did not answer me. She sighed, and then continued, “I thought of divorce. But during my time, divorce was a taboo. We continued living together, exchanging less than a few words a day. And as a tradition, we had to bear a child for our parents.

“And so your mother is born. Even with the addition of a new member in the family, we still behaved like strangers. Your mother, angry with us for not giving her a good family, married off when she was just seventeen. And when I was fifty, I decided to move out. I lived alone here for five years, until your grandfather called me. He said he didn’t have much time left.”

I cursed beneath my breath. Jacky’s words rang in my mind repeatedly: “Two more years, to be exact if I don’t have the operation within this few months.”

“So I went to the hospital. Your grandfather asked me a question that made me think a lot: ‘Have you loved me throughout our marriage?’ I was lost for words. I spent the entire day thinking. And when I finally said yes, we hugged.

“Since then, I began visiting him in the hospital for his remaining days. He said something the day before he died which touched me very deeply: ‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.”

i feel that in certain aspect i do resemble Joanna
though i felt that she's much more better off than
me in some way but not so in the other.
whatever that may be, isn't this story touching?
*would you say that to me?

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

11:33 AM

.
.
long as the stars shine up on the heavens
long as the river runs to the sea
i'll never get over you getting over me

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

11:31 PM

so, the sun is finally out after a couple days of raining.
hmmm.
but i still prefer raining days.

did another inane test earlier on, and here's the result:

You are the grass-fragrance type

You have very strong will, not dependant on others and gives an
impression of being a lone ranger. You are extremely curious and
sensual, living in a clear-headed, modern life. At first glance you
place yourself on a pedestal, and are difficult to get along. But once
others talk to you, they know you are easygoing. And when the
relationship develops, they realise you are affable. You have an
androgynous charm, which makes you popular with all genders.
But you don't like your weak side to be seen. You might look cool
on the surface, but beneath it all, you are really passionate. Only
people who knows your true self can maintain a long-lasting
relationship with you.

sounds pretty much like me.
but how accurate this is,
i don't know.
alright. guess i should continue with my IFPD report
before mrs goh chase after me. =x
hehehs.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

5:39 PM

had such a weird dream last night.
does it means something or, otherwise?
i have no idea.
but it seems to be a bad sign whenever
i dreamt of anything that has got to do with relationship.
hmmm.
lets cross my finger and hope nothing happens. =x

No matter how we've let excuses get in our way,
and regardless of how school have pulled us away from each other,
i'll always remember you as the one i had the craziest,
special, best and most fun with.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Lets spend some of my time to do something which is rather silly like this:

your name? yingxuan
age? 18
where did you last go? erh, orchard
why did you go there for? shop for christmas presents and clothes
who did you go with? my sis
what did you last eat? chicken noodle
what are you doing now? this, listening to songs and chatting with wei wei
what did you last buy? clothes.
song listening to? qi shi hen ai ni - angela zhang
last person talk to? mother
last clothes you wore? the big ZION t-shirt
last song downloaded? erm, i don't download music that often
current liking? nothing
fave colour? black blue white silver and maybe orange green pinkish purple
fave hang out? um, i dont know. the company matters more i guess
last accessories bought? i have no idea.
last thing broke? the glass holder
how many people are there online now? 20
where are you going tomorrow? no where. gonna stay at home and do my stuffs
what are you going to wear tomorrow? thats pretty too early to say huh.
what time are you gonna wake up? maybe 9
whats on your mind? quizzes, undone assignments, and something else. =x
what do you want in life now? there's so much to list
what do you want to buy next? the shopping list never ends

_______________________________________________________________________________

some pictures taken on friday.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

11:58 AM

i think i'm a walking contradiction.
so much to say, yet so hard to get started.
all of a sudden it seems like i've lost sight
of the things i once clung on to and believed in,
and you were pretty much one of them i guess.
though i hate to admit it,
its toll on me is just undeniable.
i feel as if i'm just drifting around, going
through the routines and motions everyday
but not actually thinking or feeling at all.
i feel so lost, and i've never really felt this way before.
its different.
so subtle,
yet i can almost feel it screaming into my ears.
at this point of time everything's so flurry and
reality isn't something i would like to look at.
so many issues that need addressing,
but i don't exactly like the idea of facing up to them now.
____________________________________________________________________

*i know it hurts for either one of you/us.
but whatever it may be, i'm gonna stay firm with my decision now.
no more contradiction anymore,
for it will be more miserable if i drag this any longer. =x

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

12:36 PM

____________________________________________________________________

.
.

whee! i'm finally gg out with dylan after like a
decade years since we last met.
enjoyed myself sooo much.
and we did something soo unusual.
shopping.
yes. we went shopping.
something that dylan hates to do
but he was the one who suggested. =)
it was such an enjoyment to shop with him
and he bought the wind breaker that i chose for him. =)

____________________________________________________________________

had lunch with him at 'san zhong liang jian'.
the food portion was soo much more

than the pizza set meal for 3 persons,
and i had almost the whole plate of veggie to

myself cause dylan doesn't take spicy food. =x
chicken with cabbage was refreshing and special.
overall, the food wasn't that bad, but i love the soup the most.!
bought the blue potato chips that dr tay bought

for us the other time on the way back home

at cold storage.

it didn't taste that nice.
was a little disappointed,

but nvm.

.
anyway, dylan is down with flu. hopes he recovers soon.
*gonna miss him till the next time we meet again.

he cried after reading the book i made for him.

just as what i had written in the book,

we never know what will happen to us in future.

but i do hope nothing happens, and i'll cherish whatever we have now.

____________________________________________________________

had this sudden excitement and craving for christmas celebration.
we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas...
i'm so high right now.
could it be the chocolates and tidbits thats taking its effect?
or was it the christmas show telecasted on the tv just now?
hehehs.
i don't know.
sounds retarded.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

11:32 PM

Its the slight tendency to cry whenever listening to certain songs,
its the loneliness while walking on the sidewalk,
its the absolutely ridiculous tears that fall after each hearty laughter.
Its the reluctance to reminisce, yet each time falling into it again in spite of myself.
A thousand and one things one my mind right now.

Weird how pressure is building up just when the holidays are really kicking in.
Weird how pent-up emotions can get so carried away.
Weird how i find myself back at the same spot again.

* I hate to do this.
But its time to make a decision,
a decision that may change everything.

rapha, follow your heart.! =(

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

2:31 PM

came across this article and thought it may be useful to me so i'm posting it in my entry.. =p

Midnight Snacks for the Insomniac

Do you have so much to do during the day that you literally forget to eat - but then find yourself making up for it before bedtime? If so, the types of foods you choose could make a big difference in the quality of your sleep. First, let's look at the foods that are most likely to keep you tossing and turning.

- Caffeine. Now, you don't need a doctor to tell you that caffeine will keep you awake, but it can lurk in unexpected places. Chocolate not only contains caffeine but also alkaloids which have a stimulating effect.

-Alcohol helps many of us feel calm and relaxed - especially that half glass of wine after a long, hard day. While this may help you fall asleep initially, it greatly diminishes the quality of sleep by disturbing neurotransmitter production, including serotonin. Alcohol is also a diuretic and may keep you running to the bathroom all night.

- Fatty foods take longer to work their way through your system, and the process of digestion can keep you awake. Fatty foods can also exacerbate heartburn.

-Spicy foods make heartburn worse as well.

-Artificial sweeteners like aspartame contain phenylalanine and aspartic acid, both of which are excitatory.

__________________________________________________________________________________

So what can you raid the refrigerator for to limit the sheep count? It has a lot to do with serotonin.

- Milk (warm or not) contains tryptophan, a precursor to serotonin. It's tryptophan in turkey that makes us so sleepy after that Thanksgiving dinner. Cheese, chicken, soy, yogurt, nuts and seeds also have tryptophan. Eat these (and all foods) at least 45 minutes prior to your planned bedtime.

-Complex carbohydrates like beans, nuts, seeds, sweet potatoes, apples, pears, and berries can also help increase serotonin levels. Watch out for simple carbs like rice, pasta, and white bread. The impact these have on blood sugar can disturb the sleep cycle.

-Vitamins B6 and B12 are necessary for your body to generate serotonin. B6 can be found in turkey, chicken, spinach, whole grains and seafood and B12 in animal-derived products like eggs and dairy foods.

- Magnesium-rich foods like leafy green vegetables, whole grains, and almonds can also facilitate sleep.

( sound so much like food chemistry B huh.? *fainted. =x )

Insomnia is also associated with a number of health conditions: impairment in attention, cognition and memory, poor performance at work and school, increased accidental injuries, higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse and higher rates of depression.

Hmm. So this is the reason for my occasional STM sign, depression and performance. But now that i'm on medication, hopefully all this health conditions will soon be 'gone'.!

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

1:49 PM

it really isn't my day

the after effect of the treatment has yet to subside.
wasn't prepared for the quiz which i hadn't really revised.
entered the lift that was spoiled
and fancy me to enter the same 'spoiled' lift again back home.
the intense pain of the headache is killing me.
have this strange and yet funny feeling in me for the past few days
thats making me losing my appetite.
didn't complete my cep tutorial again. =x

hmm.
life is not gonna be any better having to miss out foods such as
milk, cheese, butter, chocolates, ice cream, greasy and fried stuffs.
i'm gonna miss all this favourite foods of mine till i recover.
*saddened.

its pouring heavily right now.
and i guess
nth could be done better off than to take a nap
which i seriously need at this point with the addition fact
that my bed looks so cosy to me now for once.
okies.
off to bed.
shall continue with my datasheets later on.
*Zzz...zz

.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

4:05 PM

this few days have been torturous
what with crying myself to bed over
the thoughts of the same things again.

no one knows how i feel
and just when i thought you wld be my smiling angel,
there to brighten up my days,
you aren't there at all.
you aren't my smiling angel anymore.
how i wish you can be that smiling angel to me
like how you did to others.

______________________________________

shld i blame time for pulling us apart
or shld i blame ourself instead?

*we hardly know each anymore, don't we? =(

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

10:25 PM

i thought
happiness will continue tmrw
the day after
and after.
but i was wrong.
at least to me it doesn't seem so.

and i hate the feeling
of being stuck in this two world.
you never know how
traumatized it can be.

*all i need now is a smiling angel
who can be there by my side
all day long to brighten up my days.
thats all i want.

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

7:31 PM

All this hope that i'm giving myself
isn't doing me any good,
and i end up feeling twice as hopeless as before.
As much as i'm trying to make myself feel better,
and as much as i hate to admit,
it isn't working out the way i had planned.
You know, i hope that i don't actually
see evading as a way out,
because feigning ignorance is probably
the worst thing i hate to do.
This cycle is mad.
I could go on about moving on,
about giving up, about letting go
and about how i deserve more tonight,
but that would be all, and by tomorrow
i'd realise that i don't mean a single thing
that i've said the past night.
Just what do i want?
i have no idea too. =x

*imissyou

You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason that I'm singing

2:13 PM